My usual Christmas blog posts have something related to families since this is the season to be with our kin or if not, due to distance or some other factor, at least give our thoughts to them for a moment or two.
And I got to thinking how families inadvertently shape a lot of who we become and this is bound to include sexually. From the brothers who happen to all be circumcised or not to the man whose mother brought him up to believe that sex workers were to be derided, our families affect us sexually far into the future.
Our families provide so much of our sexual learning useful or not: they could have given us endless guilt over self-touching and exploring and/or at the opposite end of the scale, the impregnable confidence that some people have in their physical abilities and appearance coupled with such admiration, respect and delight for their gender of attraction, (maybe having been modeled by parents who are still openly in love with each other) so that confident intimacy is a given.
Confidence often comes with knowledge that “you got the goods” – the right sized penis (although very few men believe they’re big enough, even though most of the lovers I’ve had, including as an escort, are more than adequate) – or that they are able to make a woman orgasm. Believe me, those two things do not correlate. One of my most body-shuddering, mind-blowing orgasms was given to me by a man who strutted into my boudoir one day. He could be described as being “no oil painting” and he was obese with a below-average-sized penis. True story: I’m happy to give details of what he did (ask when you visit me) although of course his identity remains strictly private.
So what should men do to increase their confidence in bed? (I did not ask what men should do to increase their skill in bed, which usually follows the confidence factor.)
First things first – I’d suggest they forget everything they’ve been told which was designed to suppress their sexual interest. Masturbation is not wrong, woman who like sex are not bad, the size of your cock or your ability to keep or get it up does not define you.
Second, while men get turned on visually, women are less affected by body shape or cock size. Women get turned on by men who reach out to their emotions, you know those things that make us feel good. These include humour and conversation. You don’t have to be Cyrano de Bergerac or any other kind of clever or witty, and whatever words you use as means of seduction don’t even need to be wholesome. A naughty little comment can go a long way.
I’ve observed men improving at charming ladies in non-sexual situations, seemingly it does their confidence the world of good. They don’t need to be a buttoned up gent in a top hat to be attractive to women. There is nothing quite like a rough diamond, who treats women like he holds them in the highest regard, for sex appeal.
Thirdly, forgive my over-simplification: forgeddabout it. Every second is an opportunity to let bygones be bygones and start afresh. This is a variation on my first point obviously because it can’t be emphasised enough: Any less than favourable past experiences with women, including attitudes from our family members, should not be dwelt on. If a man can’t let it go, it could turn into serious performance anxiety which could really dent his confidence and eventually his performance. In this case, professional assistance may be required, with a doctor who could prescribe something, a therapist who can delve deep, or even a sex worker who can show her client a few techniques or positions he may not have tried and encourage him to just enjoy the moment for what it is.
Fourthly, a confident man can move beyond his own needs to become generous sexually. Enough said.
So what does a man who is confident in bed look like? They come in all shapes and sizes, including Arnie and Danny, and don’t need to be a modern-day Adonis as I described with the man who gave me the most memorable orgasm above. A man who is confident in bed is a man who is comfortable within himself including with whatever turns him on.
He is also a man who knows he can help his partner to a place of beautiful sensual pleasure which as I said, always begins with appealing to her emotions – a happy woman is easier to seduce, (that’s why, taking several steps back, women are traditionally more sexually available to men who help with housework, or arrange for her to have an easier life in this regard – clean houses make women happy).
The bedroom may be the only area in his life a man can actually be confident about, as every man, no matter their economic circumstances, has the ability to be generous to his partner in bed if he chooses.
And after all, isn’t Christmas about giving? May you have the opportunity to give of yourself in this special way. Merry Christmas.
* Image credit: Actors Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny DeVito pose together beside a trailer dressed in matching outfits to help promote their motion picture Twins. (Photo by Deborah Feingold/Corbis via Getty Images)