Love Within Sex Work

I found this tweet the other day and it really resonated with me.  It’s because I feel exactly the same about my clients.  I really love those dudes!  A lot of the time I give my heart and soul to my clients, and get it back in spades.

Which got me thinking.  Is this professional, or normal?  Around my friends it certainly is. I’ve noticed a lot more ladies are open about their enjoyment of their work and their clients, who see them as friends and genuinely feel affection, care and even love for them, or at least some of them.

How can this be professional though when sex workers are expected to provide a service which does not run the risk of destroying clients’ relationships and marriages?  And how can sex workers see so many clients and genuinely love or care for them all or most of them, surely you’d have to fake?  I believe it’s possible to love so many people in the same way that you can feel love towards many family members at once.  After all, it’s common to love all your siblings or children, yet some you may feel a little closer to, or have a little more in common with.  Some of course you don’t really like and will never get on with and that’s that.  It’s also possible to love people and not want to actually keep them all to yourself; In your affection or care for them you naturally want them to maintain the loving relationships they have established elsewhere, ie with their partners and families.  I quite like the colloquial term “side hoe,” a function I am happy to professionally fulfill.

Yes, I’ve seen ladies fall in love with clients, and “end up” with them, three of my close friends in fact.  In all of these cases, their clients happened to be single.  So far all is going well and they are still happily together.  One of the ladies actually left sex work for her partner, with quite a financial demotion.  But that’s another blog post.

And yes, there are clients who want nothing more from escorts they visit than sex, no affection required. They don’t care about GFE, they just want a warm, willing woman.

But what about this, written by a client (used with permission) thinking back on his first ever booking with an escort:

“I went for sex, what I got was intimacy on a level I have missed for many years. It was as simple as that. Not that its simple of course… How did a woman I had only just met provide me with such an experience when she doesn’t know me? I felt connected, safe, important and most of all I was present. So how did she do it? I suspect we both did it and I still don’t quite get this part of it.

The most important parts of the whole session for me have come much more into focus. What I wanted and actually received was an intensely intimate sensual connection to someone, I didn’t actually just want sex, I knew I wanted both, but actually I didn’t I only really wanted the connection, sex was the conduit. It was important to me that this was mutually enjoyable, and that I gave pleasure. It was important to me that I was attracted to this woman, and I was, she was beautiful. It was mostly important that this woman enjoy what she does.

My choice of who to see was good for me, she was everything I knew I wanted from a sex worker and turned out to much more. Don’t worry I haven’t confused the transactional part of this, she was at work, I was a client. That doesn’t mean its not personal. I am learning just by being and experiencing and I have missed that. Being able to do it in such a way is a huge privilege.”

I really feel that ladies like Gabrielle who tweeted above and some of my friends are able to offer services like this because sex work is now legal.  We don’t have to mistrust every client who comes to us because he may be an undercover cop or we’re about to get sprung for doing what we want to do.  I’m saying that we legal sex workers offer an easier service, one that is truly designed by us because we can.  (This is yet another reason why it is so important for the mental well-being of sex workers – which is a step beyond physical safety – that sex work must be legal globally.)  We can relax into what we do with our clients and offer what we are capable of offering or what we want to offer (including kinkier services in areas which interest and appeal to us).

Some ladies have back stories or cover stories in caring professions such as counselling, and there is definitely an element of this kind of comforting, loving care in sex work.  I also quite like the following approach as described in this wonderful piece by Eyal Matsliah, My Vision for a Conscious Sex Industry:

“I have a vision. A vision for a conscious sex industry.

In this vision, sexuality is acknowledged as natural and a crucial part of our lives, and the sex industry can be a part of it.

The fact that sex workers do not only provide sex, but can and do provide much more than that, is recognized. They offer affection, acceptance, support, guidance, friendship and even love.

Sex workers can act as counselors, healers, therapists, coaches, sex surrogates, confidants, guides, and friends.

In my vision, sex workers are independent, strong, and empowered. They are sexually and emotionally healthy. And so, they offer their services from a place of love of themselves, of men, and of sex. (This article talks about female sex workers, as they are the majority of the sex industry, however it is also relevant to male and trans gender sex workers and providers)

Instead of making the man disempowered and dependent, sex workers can empower a man’s sexuality, masculinity and confidence. Instead of perpetuating a need, they can teach their client how to not be needy, how to be independent in his sexuality, how to be a man rather than a boy.”

(Read the rest here, it’s incredibly inspiring).

I realise this blog post will be a bit woo woo for some, but they will just have to get used to it.  Sex work is being developed by sex workers and clients themselves in all sorts of directions in countries where it is legal, and love within sex work is one of the directions.


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