It’s no secret that one of my favourite “types” of sex is the tantric kind: a kind of slow, meditative, close and not necessarily climactic linking of two people. It’s indulgent: like savouring every mouthful – flavour, texture and sensation – of your favourite kind of food or wine and thoughtfully appreciating it even once it has been swallowed or even digested.

So in a world of fast and urgent fucks, where thirsts are quenched and itches are scratched, and sex is erotically enjoyed as a transaction (nothing at all wrong with this, in fact it’s mostly pretty hot) is there a place for something more indulgent, and are there any downsides?

Of course the answer is yes and also I’m afraid yes, there can be downsides but if managed, they can also be minimalised so that a crossover into erotic intimacy of the tantric kind really can be enjoyed. In sex work, based on my own experience, the “downside” must be consciously managed and the downside can happen because even the most experienced and professional sex workers are generally not robots.

The downside is similar to what happens when you overindulge in your favourite food or wine and get a little high. Sex is a natural high so that’s ok, you might think, but what goes up must come down and this is where the conscious management must happen. A sex worker could very well be convinced she is in love with a client and vice versa, and while love does happen during sex work and sometimes the client/sex worker relationship evolves towards a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship – and I have seen true love happen – more often than not, a fall back down to earth on ones behind with a thud eventuates when the client finds a non-sex working girlfriend in real life, or stays with his wife (obviously there is nothing wrong with either of these scenarios) or whatever even after a significant amount of time in a series of sex work transactions which felt so comfy it almost felt like an affair and where maybe the idea of a future together had been floated in the heat of the moment.  The cynic in me wonders if that’s why the film Pretty Woman didn’t have a sequel.

The natural inclination when one gets high from something – people, places and things, is to want more of it and to try to hold onto it for as long as possible. It’s kind of nice to have a few sexy texts back and forth after a booking, thanking each other for the great time as we ease back into our regular activities and maybe planning another passionate rendezvous.

 

We sex workers are only human, and considering the number of clients we see, there is bound to be a percentage who push our buttons more than others. And during tantric sex, where eyes are looked into, time is taken to appreciate delicious bodily feelings and mind, body and soul connect, confusing non-professional feelings can arise. So what to do?

Keep it real. As lovely as we may be, we must remember it is still a legal transaction where a service has happened and our client has not really fallen for us hook, line and sinker. Clients of sex workers are paying for time within a fixed timeframe. Lingering feelings are for memories – not for fantasising wildly about a coupling.

Stay in the moment. Actually this is essential to the tantric experience. While women who don’t necessarily want to have sex have admitted compiling grocery lists while fucking either actively or passively with their partners, or “thinking of England” to pass the time, to get the best from everything in life, it’s great to feel it at the time and stay in the moment. During sex, to notice and enjoy the movement or stillness of each part of the body while also actively being aware of what else you can see, hear, taste and smell brings about a connection like no other. Likewise when it is over, there is something else to be aware of and enjoy – separateness and being in a new environment alone or with someone else but now with a nice memory of what was just experienced.

Be aware of what the deal was. (Mostly) the client was looking for an optimal sexual experience or something different to what he is used to with a responsive and willing woman. For one reason or another, even if he has a partner, this was not available so he went to see a sex worker. During great sex, an intimate connection happens, which is nice. As I have said, more than this was not what was paid for or asked for however.

So what is tantric sex? I’ve saved this for last because it can really be something special and I wanted to take my time getting there to explain my understanding and experience. Anyone who has read this far past the waffle about the “dangers” of intimate connection is clearly interested and has the required patience. Because the aim of tantric sex is to enable a deeper connection between couples and as patience is needed for this, it’s generally not something on offer by sex workers where the most popular services de jour are pornstar experience and girlfriend experience.

 

So tantric sex takes time, at least two hours is nice, so that every feeling can be felt which prolongs consciousness of what the body/mind/soul is experiencing. Awareness of ones partner includes their breathing, and gazing into each other’s eyes can take each participant beyond merely the physical. Orgasm may be delayed or not even reached intensely or it may be almost extended.

The point of tantric is not necessarily even to experience orgasm, which is another reason why tantric is not really a sex work staple. To prevent or deal with blue balls, (only people with balls know if that actually is a thing – what I really mean is to finally have a much-needed orgasm with another person) is most often the reason for seeing a sex worker.

If I could sum up tantric sex, I would say it’s the equivalent of sexually taking time to smell the roses. How sweet roses smell to me.